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WTF? Author Greg Bergman Stand Up
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sk_8rhp5Nd8]
Release Date
Well. the book’s out soon, or maybe it is out. It’s kind of anticlimactic. Three weeks before the date I was told it’d be released, my mom calls me and says WTF is shipping from Amazon. I say, WTF? No matter. Go buy it or not.
Greg is doing a book on that hooker Sarah Palin. I don’t know the title but basically it’s why (or maybe it’s how) she’s a hooker or something. I’m not sure, but I am sure that it will be funny.
I’m not involved because I support the McCain/Palin ticket. I’ve been going around campaigning for them by boning MILFs (a few GMILFS) and leaving a card that says, “Orgasm courtesy of McCain/Palin ’08.”
I don’t really do that, I’ve always believed, however, that when you’re out on the town as a single guy, play conservative with the ladies and you get more action. Here’s why:
1) You get to argue with them. Most young girls are liberals, and political arguments about things like guns, taxes, and abortion really turn them on.
2) With all that phony talk about personal responsibility, you seem more responsible, like the kind of guy who’d put on a rubber without her asking. (I said seem.)
3) If you don’t seem like a fucking redneck loser, she’ll probably think you have money–and no one is going to say that that’s a bad thing for attracting women. After all only idiots and rich people are Republicans. For vastly different reasons. The rich folk would jump ship and change their phony morals if the party started calling for more taxes. The fucking redneck losers would change their economic outlook if somebody dared try to take their guns away or give their kid’s condoms. Anyway, don’t seem like a fucking redneck.
I’ll end there and say it again. Don’t seem like a fucking redneck.
That’s good advice anytime, anyplace.
-AH
Alabama: The New Promised Land
According to an article in the Chicago Sun Times, Dothan, Alabama is offering up to $50,000 for Jews to move there for 5 years.
WTF has learned that on that announcement, flights from Tel Aviv to Atlanta, the nearest international airport, have all been booked solid for the next eight months, and the Israeli parliament has issued the following statement: “You can fucking have it.”
To celebrate, Palestinians promptly began blowing themselves up.
-AH
Sarah Palin Responds to Criticism of Teenage Pregnant Daughter
Pregnant Teenage Daughter Not just a Whore, says Palin, a “Christian” Whore
Responding to criticism regarding her 17 year old teenage daughter’s pregnancy, Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, told WTF? that her daughter is “not the whore the media has made her out to be.” On the contrary, said Palin, “my daughter is a devout Christian and will be a loving and competent mother.”
But still a bit of a whore, Palin admits.
“That said, I’m not going to stand here and tell you that she isn’t a little bit of a slut,” continued Palin. “She is 17 after all and. though she is now engaged to be married, she wasn’t when she was getting dicked down in the back seat of the family car. That little floozy wasn’t thinking about anyone or anything but getting her rocks off. But it she is a Christian, however, and that is the most important thing.”
Palin provided proof of her daughter’s devotion to Christianity and solid Christian values. “I’ve been awakened several times at night by her passionate prayers. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard her literally scream out phrases like “Oh my God!”, “Jesus that’s good”, and “Praise the Lord”. Yep, she sure loves her some Jesus–with a little bit of dick no less but still.”
-Gregory Bergman
McCain to One-Up Obama, Show Proof of TWO White Grandfathers
In an effort to illustrate Barack Obama’s patriotic credentials, Senator John Kerry introduced America to Obama’s grandfather, who marched in General Patton’s Army during WWII, liberating the concentration camp at Buchenwald. What’s more, his grandfather is also white, which can only help the charcoal-colored candidate according to political experts in his historical run for the White House.
However, McCain’s aids told us at WTF? that their frosty Republican nominee isn’t going to let his own white military credentials go unnoticed. Indeed, the McCain team has a trick up its sleeve for the Republican convention, which is sure to offset any gains that Obama may have made with white voters looking for proof of white ancestry.
“Two can play at that game,” commented Richard Schmidt, a spokesperson for the McCain campaign, who called Obama’s efforts to win over whites as a “dirty political trick.”
“Voters know very well that Senator McCain, the next president of the United States, had not only one white grandparent—but two. And if they don’t, well, they’re soon going to find out.”
Mr. Schmidt added that both of McCain’s grandfathers, in addition to being blessed with a gleaming white porcelain complexion and sandy blond hair the color of the finest and purest wheat, were also military men—great white warriors just like the candidate himself.
Though deceased, the McCain camp will show pictures of his white warrior grandfathers, in an effort to bolster McCain’s appeal among war-loving, white independents.
Mr. Schmidt concluded: “The American people have a right to know who is more white and who is more bred for killing. And that man is none other than Senator John McCain.”
McCain’s Grandfathers–Whiter and more warlike than Obama’s
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Grandpa William the Conqueror and Grandpa Henry V
Who Gives a Phelps?
Every four years Americans go gaga over athletes who are good at shit that no one cares about. Take swimming for instance, which is not even close to something that could qualify as a sport. When was the last time you watched a swimming contest at your local Irish pub? Four years ago when some other shaved freak was squirming his way towards another gold medal, that’s when.
Now that China is poised to take over the Olympics and make the Western World its little white bitch, the time has come for us to be honest about these so called “sports.” Who gives a shit about fencing except for the French? And what about the shot put? When was the last time a kid in grade school wanted to be the world’s best javelin thrower?
Awards for winning these sports should not be given the same weight as awards for more popular sports. How hard is it to be the world’s best archer if all you do is practice shooting a bow in the backyard when the other kids are playing a game of pick-up? Not very hard. So new rules for the Olympics: The more competitive, the more weight the award carries. Events can be broken down into gold, silver, and bronze events—just like the winners are now. But there will only be one winner for each event—no more three winners. After all, the only thing less impressive than being the world’s best discus thrower, is to be the second or third best discus thrower.
So let’s stick to real sports that we like and are good at. Sports like baseball, basketball, volleyball, and Tennis if John McEnroe is playing or one of those hot black sisters. Game over.
-GB
John Edwards Responds to WTF
In response to our recent release regarding the disappointment in John Edwards for his unimpressive extramarital affair, which was aptly titled “Disappointment in John Edwards”, Cindy Schaffer, a spokesperson for Edwards commented:
John Edwards has repeatedly apologized for his conduct, and deeply regrets any damage or stress this has caused his family, his friends, and his supporters. But it’s important to remember that, while he makes no excuse for his personal mistakes, Mr. Edwards has selflessly served his country for decades, and it is this unwavering commitment to making America a better place that we should place our focus.”
Ms. Shaffer continued. “As John says, there are two Americas. One for the rich, and one for the poor. One where the richest 1% get a tax cut, and the other where a single mother can’t afford to pay health care-like Bessie Richardson in South Caroline. Bessie is the mother of four little boys, all of whom were born with cleft lips and a knack for the banjo. But can she afford a routine medical operation or banjo lessons? No. Indeed there are two Americas. And may I remind you—Mr. Edwards is only an adulterer in one of them.”
Ms. Shaffer is right, there are two Americas. One where Mr. Edwards is a devoted public servant, father, and husband. And there’s another America where Mr. Edwards has unprotected sex with women who are moderately more attractive than his cancer-stricken wife.
Mr. Schaffer went on to cite other reasons for Edwards’s desire to look elsewhere for affection including the Iraq war, the 40 million uninsured Americans, and the need to fully take advantage of his infamous $400 haircuts.
Obama chooses new running mate
Los Angeles-WTF got the inside scoop into presidential hopeful Barak Obama’s new running mate. In a surprise move that will surely help balance the ticket in rural, white, gun-loving America, Mr. Obama has chosen Jesus Christ.
“It’s a brilliant move,” said Greg Bergman, “especially since some of Christ’s biggest supports still think Obama’s a Muslim. After 2000, I didn’t think the Dems would try another Jewish VP so soon, but that meek should inherit the Earth shit will play well with the far left.”
The choice has not gone without criticism. Questions have arisen about Mr. Christs place of rebirth, his religion, and his stance on everything invented after the first century CE.
“Who is this Christ guy, really?” said Anthony Haddad. “Know one really knows him. I don’t like the idea of him having his finger on the button, and he may be just one black guy away from the job.”
It's Both
WTF Disappointed in John Edwards
Los Angeles—08/08/08
WTF? is sad to announce shock and disappointment in former North Carolina Senator John Edwards. After winning nationwide praise and sympathy campaigning with his cancer-stricken wife, Elizabeth, Edwards admitted he had had an extramarital affair with a woman who wasn’t that hot.
“I just don’t get it,” said Gregory Bergman. “He’s rich. He’s powerful. He could be pulling top notch tang. What a waste.”
“Spitzer raised the bar,” said Anthony Haddad. “But it wasn’t cheap. You really do get what you pay for.”
To make matters worse for Edwards, he may also be the father of his lover’s child.
“What kind of man cheats on his wife and doesn’t pull out?” asked Mr. Bergman. “He’s a disgrace.”
“I think this is a positive development,” said Mr. Haddad. “It reminds the world that Democrats, in fact, do have balls.”
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